Here we go again, time for a life change this time though

I know that I need to start restricting things in my diet again. I have realized that after reading a few things that I would in fact benefit from the blood type diet and I think the big thing with that is I would hope to see a change from the way I feel on a daily basis if I just start eating better and taking things out of my diet like milk. I need to start drinking soy or rice milk. I have an intolerance to regular milk and that is a big reason why I really do not drink it. If I start drinking Starbucks again I have to remember to order them with soy and not regular milk. I really do not like the taste of soy milk, but if it means my getting rid of all this mucus and sinus issues that could be associated with it then I am all for trying something at least once.

The blood type diet even has me pegged to having anxiety disorders and liver issues. I never knew that because of my blood type certain things I eat can cause reactions with my body. Food needs to be looked at as a medicine and not just something you put in your mouth when you are bored. Food is not a comfort and should not be viewed as such. Food is something that with out it we would not survive. Look at it as a basic need, not something you do for pleasure.

Yeah I know that I have in the past month or so, turned to food~ McDonald's is the big player here, and they sucker you in, and I know this because I see it with my son how he just has to have every kids meal toy. They start you off young. UGH. I need to break us of that habit. I know it is bad and I know that it is not good for him.

I am going to start taking better care of myself, I know I have said that before, but I have to, because if I don't I am going to just stay sick. I need to at least try to lose weight and make things better for myself or I am going to be in and out of the hospital, I will get diabetes, and I may have to have a liver transplant. Not things that you want to hear from your doctor. Mind you I heard these things back in June from my doctor and I just haven't taken completely to heart the message that he was trying to send me at the time. I am starting to understand. I was eating healthy over the summer, I felt good, I was coaching soccer. Now I am not eating as great, I am not working out except for walking, and I have not felt up to par since going back to school, plus I have been battling this on again off again cold that will NOT GO AWAY!

I just need to feel better.

I want to write in here, I want to poor my heart out about all the things that are going on inside of me, but I just figure that I am just better off keeping it all to myself from now on. I hate getting called a hypochondriac and I hate when I get called out that I am trying to one up someone when I'm not. I am just sick of everything and I don't need the crap that has been thrown at me.

been thinking bout the inbetween

Its not easy being stuck between what is right and what is best. Even though at times they can be one in the same there are other times that they mean two totally different things. Right now for me they mean two different things. I wish they didn't but they do.

I gotta keep trying and keep my head held high because I will get through this and hope to god that I am going to make it to the otherside. I will remember that life has given me an awesome opportunity to get the best schooling and become a therapist after school is over.

I am so scared at times that I am going to fail and my son is going to see that I am the failure that my husband keeps saying that I am. But I know that I'm not. I have been trying so hard to prove that I'm not a failure.

Right now I am typing this bawling my eyes out. I have made a mess of my friendships with a few people. I have lost one completely but they were toxic. Lost another because they don't have balls to stand up to their girlfriend to say she was my friend first and is ONLY a friend. All I have to say wuss and you know what always were. I have another friend that I am patching things up with. Its been rough and right now I just wish I could help them but I can't. Then I have another that surprised me and we are ok now.

Getting rid of the toxic people in my life has helped me tremendously but the fact of the matter I have to wonder if I was part of the reason things were toxic.

I wish to God that I had a better life right now. But I am a full time student putting everything into school and trying so fricking hard to make it through it. I sometimes push myself too hard but other times I procrastinate and I have to find a happy medium. I just wish that there was one right now because there isn't.

I know I am lost on my journey along the path right now. I know its not good to be lost and I wish I knew what my place is here right this moment. I am mom to the most wonderful six year old. Is that all I'm supposed to be right now? Prepping him for the awesome future that he can have?

I just wish there was a happy inbetween.

Stop your worrying, live life!!

"We're all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are." Meredith, Grey's Anatomy

You will come to see that I use a lot of quotes from Grey's Anatomy. I am a worrier. I have this thing where at any given time if I am not on my one medication~ klonopin~ I have a million and one thoughts going on in my mind and I can't stop worrying over the smallest little things and it has in the past interfered with being able to sleep. I would have problems getting my mind to turn off for lack of a better term, and then sometimes I would be woke up having a horrible nightmare~ related to health issues mostly~ and then not be able to get back to sleep.

I have gone through periods where I have been awake for 24 to 36 hours without sleep in the past and even though I was exhausted I would not be able to fall sound enough to sleep and the littlest things bothered me. Being a woman I know that there is a lot of responsibility that we shoulder in our lives, being the primary health care manager in our families, being a wife, being a mother, tackling college after having kids, a chauffeur for our children, trying to work, being a maid and cook... the list goes on and on. Sometimes we forget the most important person in that equation is ourselves! I am one that has gone through forgetting to take care of myself to the point that I got seriously ill and ended up in the hospital on two separate occasions but for the same thing~ my liver started acting up and decided that it was time for me to rest.

I found out with the last hospitalization that I have a fatty liver which is the term that is commonly used for NASH~ non-alcoholic staetheohepatitis. Yeah~ not a nice thing to hear when you first learn about it, but knowing that you can make changes in your life to fix it before it gets worse is good to know. There is no "quick fix" for it. Something that I have grown to accept. I wish that there was a quick fix, but I have to change my diet and exercise, which means taking better care of myself. I have added in some supplements~ Milk Thistle for increasing the functioning of my liver and L-Caratine to help with fat metabolism. I have seen a small decrease in my weight over the past couple of weeks that I have been taking the new supplements with my multi-vitamin.

I also have Neurocardiogenic syncope. A long bunch of words that means I pass out and my brain and heart don't talk to each other properly to put in layman terms. I am on medication and wear TEDs, drink Gatorade and have slightly increased my sodium intake to compensate for the condition and have seen a marked inprovement, but there are still some days where if I don't drink gatorade, or if I have a cold or the flu I will feel dizzy and have an episode. It is something that I have grown accustom too and have adjust my life accordingly to deal with it. I was an intended nursing major when I first started at UB. I started working as a CNA and found out I had this. I look at the short time that I was a CNA as a way for me to find out that I wanted to work in the mental health field (I worked the dementia unit at a local nursing home) and I found out that I was not going to be able to go into the nursing field. This was a big blow to me because I LOVED my nursing clinicals when I was in the nursing curriculum at NCCC. I was rather torn and it took me almost a whole semester to accept the diagnosis and to change my major to interdisciplinary social sciences~ mental health and moving into the accelerated social work masters program.

I will be the first to say that sitting and worrying about every little thing eats up a big majority of time and then you are left with a very miserable existance and you realize that you haven't really been living your life, but just going through the motions when you have nothing to show for it really. I have raised my grades, I am no longer stressed out over the fact that I have to raise my GPA so high just to get consideration for the program I intend to go into. Sometimes I look at the syncope diagnosis as a 400 pound elephant being removed off my chest and I am able to breathe again.

I sometimes though still feel a tinge of disappointment because I loved nursing. I loved the fast pace always changing of it. Some days could be slow and some days could be running around like a chicken with your head cut off, I loved that. I loved the fact that one of my patients I took care of during my med-surg rotation was a retired RN, did not tell me this fact until I sat and talked to her 3 hours after I started to care for her. She said that I had a bedside manner that most nurses today are missing but I also had the skills necessary and that I would make a wonderful nurse. That was one of the best complements that I had ever gotten while being a nursing student, the other was after giving a shot being asked if I had given it yet because the woman was afraid of needles.

I have learned to deal with my anxiety and stress to an extent I will say I do a pretty good job taking care of it and have not really had any major problems the past couple months related to it. I am sleeping better, I am eating better, and feel generally better overall, plus I have seen my weight drop some since I have started taking better care of myself.

Killing two birds with one stone, maybe

I sit here contemplating exactly what I am going to write because quite honestly it has been a long while since I have sat and blogged about anything really, except over on FB and over there it was drivel because I was having a bad day and someone pissed me off.

I no longer have a MySpace, it was like lifting a little 400 pound elephant off my back deleting those accounts, yes plural. I will not go into everything that had and was going on in MySpaceland, but I am now better off without it. All my family has migrated to FB and most of the blogs over there since the mass exodus of people leaving looked like you were talking to yourself so it was better off to leave.

I sit right now waiting for my papers to printout at the library for my next class and I figure I will use this blog as a way to get my project for my one class out of the way, killing 2 birds with one stone. I get to write again and I get to work on my project, very cool.

I don't know though if this is the vehicle I want to use for my project in my one class. I have to figure out what I want to do about that project and go from there, but there is a lot of things that I can do with the project, and the more that I learn in the class the more I know that I can say in the project and not get looked at in a weird way.